As Told by a Wanderer

Last summer my sister asked me, “What is it like, working a job you don’t enjoy in order to continue pursuing the things you are really passionate about?”

She asked because, at that time, she still had a year left of her Masters Program at the LeRoy E. Hoffberger School of Painting, at M.I.C.A., in Baltimore, MD, and she new there was a chance she might need to get a full time job doing something other than art when she graduated, at least at first.

(Update: Mary graduated with her MFA this spring! Congratulations Mary!)

I laughed when she asked, because she sounded so full of dread and misery, as if working in an office were a fate worse than anything else. But the truth is, the job was so new and I was so focused on “getting through it”—earning the income necessary to afford my half of a more-expensive-than-before rent without dipping into savings—I hadn’t paused to consider what I’d given up by taking a traditional office job.

Let’s take a step back and consider something, between the years of 2016 and 2021 my life revolved entirely around the freedom afforded to me through walking; I traversed rugged landscapes, spent time alone with my thoughts and got to know myself more deeply at my own pace.

I worked service industry and retail jobs between adventures, I art modeled; I had flexibility to come and go because rent was more affordable and I had fewer commitments.

In those 4 years, I thru-hiked over 5,000miles, I participated in two NOLS courses, I went to Canada and backpacked in the Rockies, working only on an as-needed basis.

Walking gave me time.

I wasn’t seamlessly happy—I still suffered from the same anxiety, insomnia, and bouts of depression that I struggle with today—but I enjoyed a certain level of freedom that is not readily found within the confines of a “normal” 9-5 job. I know, I was lucky; it was a privilege to live the way I did.

And it still is.

I love my life today. I am with someone who genuinely knows me, loves me, and accepts me with complete reciprocity. I live in a beautiful valley surrounded by mountains. I do not have to sit in traffic to get to work and I can see the stars at night without any light pollution. Opportunities for adventure abound.

Taking a full-time job in March of 2022 as an office manager enabled me to establish myself and my life in Crested Butte, CO, more fully. I enjoy my coworkers and the atmosphere, and some days, time behind the desk flies.

But—you knew there was one coming—but. For all the stability it affords me, working indoors for 8hrs a day is stifling and I pass many of the hours dreaming of walking.

As I sit at my desk today, Mary’s question floats to the forefront of my mind, “What is it like, working a job you don’t enjoy in order to continue pursuing the things you are really passionate about?”

There long trails I am dying to hike, so many mountain ranges near and far I want to explore, I want to guide more for She Treks and sink my time into growing my business, I want to write a book—yes, even that—I want to have more mental energy and creativity to devote to writing something I can be proud of.

What I need is time.

And so my answer to my sister’s question, upon further reflection, is that it feels borderline impossible to work a job I am not passionate about in order to pursue the things I am most passionate about because 40hrs of my week, my energy, my brainpower, my time, is consumed by a job that, while it generates sustainable income, does not allow me the space and time I need to hike a long trail, grow my business, or write a book.

And yet.

I have had many adventures, I have built a business, and I am writing a blog, all while working a traditional, full-time job.

Sometimes, what feels impossible, isn’t—sometimes, the “impossible” is just the next step on a journey towards the unbelievably awesome.

When I decided to leave Maryland with finality in July of 2020, I knew I would find answers to my questions out West; I knew I would find purpose and meaning in Colorado. I have. My life feels more focused than ever, and working in an office setting—confining as it may be—has been part of that process.

I have now spent roughly 2,400 hours behind a desk, staring at a computer.

One of my greatest fears—to work inside an office, answering phones, arguing with insurance companies, doing paper work for 8 hrs a day, 5 times a week—has turned out not to be life ending. When I took the job, I wasn’t spontaneously encircled by a white picket fence, I did not suddenly sprout 2.5 kids, or become insufferably boring.

I am still me; I retained all of my dreams.

And in my experience, the inconceivable is often the way forward—surviving sexual assault, selling my horse, getting sober, tearing my ACL, losing my grandmother, working in an office—I wasn’t ready for any of these things until they were already upon me.

Each impossibility put me one step closer to being where I am, ever on the cusp of the next, full chapter of my life.

Mary, I’ll address you directly, now—newly graduated with a higher level of education than I have achieved—as you already know, in the same blow, life may disappoint and surprise you.

I wouldn’t dare to profess life after academia will make much sense, at times, it will be downright horrifying. I can tell you, though, when there is no choice but to stand toe to toe with the impossible, your heart will show you the way.

Our greatest hopes and our greatest fears are, I believe, one and the same.

You are already an incredible person doing incredible things; you have already stood toe to toe with the impossible (and even managed to land a few punches); in many ways, I look up to you.

I don’t wish an administrative job upon you, but if you ever find yourself behind a desk answering the phone, managing 10 menial tasks at once, forcing a smile through gritted teeth, just know, it’s one more step in a series of steps towards the unbelievably awesome.

To see Mary Smith’s impressive body of work please visit her website: https://mas.onl/

I took the photographs in this post on a recent, and much needed, vacation to Hawai'i with my partner, Logan. We spent 7 days on the Big Island, going for runs, exploring cloud forests, and snorkeling. We ate delicious food, he crushed me in shuffle board, I read aloud about the bird and plant life on the island while he drove. We frequented our favorite café in Waimea three times, the Waimea Coffee Company, and ate the food of the gods: the breakfast melt. I took my annual nap—which I seem only to be able to do in Hawai’i, and only once per trip—somehow, it is enough.

I was at a breaking point, prior to taking this trip, the winter had been really hard on me mentally and work felt “impossible”. I feel refreshed having finally gotten away, and, as ever, I am looking forward to my next big walk ;)

Thank you for reading,

-ivey